The Day I Became a Mom
As Aubreys half birthday is approaching, I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster these last few weeks - reminiscing on sweet newborn grunts, uncoordinated baby movements, so many tiny diapers, and learning a whole new normal with a brand new family member. All this reminiscing has brought me to write down Aubrey’s birth story - so I don’t forget how great our God is. So if you’re not into birth stories, I have plenty of other posts for you to read. But if you are - here goes...
I felt like I was realistic when it came to having a baby. I knew I could make plans but, ultimately, it was up to God how everything was going to go down.
I’m a planner at heart. All my friends know this. I thrive in having a well thought out plan. A plan so detailed that I have literally thought about everything that could go wrong and have created another plan in case of said disaster. With that said, my plan was to have a healthy baby and happy mama (epidural please!). I wanted lavender oils diffusing in the room, or peppermint if I started feeling nauseous. I wanted Christian music playing through a speaker (and yes I had the perfect playlist!). But little did I know, God had his own plans.
My due date of November 23rd came and went with nothing out of the ordinary. But early the next morning, on November 24th, I had been having contractions since about 2am. They were about 30-45 minutes apart. The contractions continued to get closer and closer and at 1:30pm (right in the middle of the panthers game), the contractions were steady at 5 minutes apart so we decided to head to the hospital.
At the hospital, we signed in and the nurse checked me... I was 4cm dilated (normally they would admit you at a 4, but I had been 4cm at my appointment earlier that week). Baby’s heartbeat was steady, my water hadn’t broken, and I wasn’t in much pain. Most of the contractions weren’t even showing up on the monitor. So the doctor sent us home. It was disappointing and scary, as a first time mom, to be sent home when you think it’s time to have a baby. But I didn’t know any better at the time.
We drove back home and Justin told me to try to relax and get comfortable. We had an induction scheduled for the next day, so we only had a couple hours to get through. About an hour after getting home, the contractions had changed. I had tried showering, bouncing on a yoga ball, rolling on the yoga ball, leaning on the wall, sitting on the bed - I could not get comfortable. Justin came to check on me and I couldn’t talk. He immediately called the doctor. She told him the contractions were not as close as she would like for them to be but we could come back if it made us feel better. Uh yeah, we are coming back! It’s our first kid and we ain’t trying to deliver a baby in the car!
I couldn’t talk to Justin on the way there. The contractions were so intense and they felt so close together. I remember seeing the stoplights turn red and thinking, “I can’t make it if they all turn red, God”. He must’ve agreed because we didn’t hit a single red light... not one... from shallotte to Wilmington. That was God.
We got back to the hospital around 7pm. They took us back to the same room we had been in just a few hours earlier. They hooked me up to the same monitors, but this time, it was different. The first contraction registered off the paper and they kept coming, every 3 minutes. I was now 5cm dilated. The doctor came in and asked how I was doing. I didn’t answer. She asked how the baby was doing (and this is Justin’s favorite part to tell) I said, “the baby is pissed and I want an epidural now.” For those of you who don’t know me personally - this is totally out of character for me - it was the contractions talking 😆.
The doctor then decided to do an ultrasound to make sure the baby was head down. She did the scan and then left the room. I was concerned that little nugget had flipped or something, but when she came back, she said, “When I did the ultrasound, I found a mass on your babies brain. It’s about 3cm in size. I don’t know what this means right now”. And then she left again. Just walked out. Of course, Justin chased her down the hall, but I was already in pain and now, I was in panic mode. What did she mean a mass on her brain? Why had none of our other tests and scans shown this? Is she going to be ok? We had so many questions and a doctor that didn’t want to answer any of them.
They took us to the labor and delivery room and started the IV of fluids before the epidural. At this point, My contractions were happening every one to two minutes. I was checked after the epidural and I was 7cm dilated.
By this time, several family members had arrived at the hospital. My sister in law came in first. It was so comforting to have her there. She had been through labor before and, with the news we had just gotten, I was on edge. They couldn’t tell us much about what the brain mass meant for Aubrey’s life. They didn’t know if she would come out breathing, or how long she would live. It’s amazing how so many educated people can say everything and nothing at the same time.
We did a lot of praying that night. My parents came in and prayed over us and my mom stayed by my side. I remember looking over at her and seeing tears in her eyes and I said, “Mom, I don’t know what it is, but God has given me a peace about this. I just know everything’s going to be ok.”
Everything in me was ready to meet my daughter. I needed to see that she was ok and if she wasn’t - we would cross that bridge then. The doctor decided to have NICU present at the delivery, which meant we were going to have 12-14 people in the delivery room at the time of delivery.
The doctor checked me again and I was 10cm dilated but my water hadn’t broken. So the doctor broke my water and I asked her what happened next. She said to let the nurse know when I felt the urge to push. Without hesitating, I said, “Oh, I’m ready now”.
I don’t think the doctor believed me. She didn’t even break the table down for delivery. She just asked me to give one good push to see where we were. With one push, the doctor started frantically asking everyone to get ready because a baby was coming.
I started pushing at 11:20 p.m. I was supposed to do three, ten second pushes, at each contraction, and every time, after two pushes - I would, undoubtedly, forget about the third one. I also remember Justin telling me, “one more push babe and she’s here. You got this!” And sure enough, one push later, at 11:41pm, beautiful baby screams.
The nurse had told us that if she came out pink and screaming that would be a good sign and thankfully, she did. We were able to do skin to skin after NICU assessed her.
The doctor came back in, after the hour of skin to skin, and said they were going to take Aubrey to do a cat scan and MRI to see about the brain mass. Just as soon as I got to meet her and hold her, I had to let her go.
They moved Justin and I to the mother and baby floor without her. We had an amazing labor and delivery nurse that came to visit us after we had moved floors. She told us that she didn’t know the results of the scans, but it sounded like good news. I thank God for her positive spirit. So much negativity was thrown at us that night and it was nice to have someone else who believed God was handling this.
We waited until 3:30am before Aubrey was brought back to us and it wasn’t until the next morning that the official doctor, who read the scans, came to talk to us. The mass the delivery doctor had seen on the ultrasound, was not there. They didn’t find anything on any of the scans they did. She was cleared completely. Thank God.
What I didn’t realize then was when I picked my prayer for our birth month - for God to be present in the delivery room - how effective he would be at making this happen. From the very beginning, God gave us a reason to lean on him. He took away every distraction I could’ve used as a crutch, he made me listen to his voice, he guided my mind, he led my spirit to a place I never would’ve chosen to go, but he also never left my side. He was there through it all and he continues to walk with me daily.
I never knew I could love another human so much and I also never knew she would bring me so much closer to Christ.
I guess if I learned anything, it’s that God has purpose in our pain. While I was busy planning, so was he. Sometimes he strips everything away from us so that we focus solely on him. I knew from the beginning I couldn’t bring a child into this world without him, but I had planned to have the help of other things (music, oils, etc), but God showed me HE WAS ALL I NEEDED.
“I prayed for this child. The Lord answered my prayer and gave him to me. Now I give him back to the Lord. He will belong to the Lord all his life.” And he worshiped the Lord there.”
1 Samuel 1:27-28