Finding Less of Me

  As I was browsing social media on NYE, a     childhood friend of mine posted a reflection on her past year, and a point she made really lit my soul on fire. She was saying that this past year was incredibly tough on her, and how most people when a new year rolls around say different versions of, “we’ll do better, we’ll be better, here’s to a new year and a new me!”   Instead, her thought was, what if I don’t want to lose this part of me? What if this messy, softer version of myself is someone I want to carry with me into the new year? Yes, it was a tough year, but I came out on the other side… more beautiful, more vulnerable, more human. You see, we shouldn’t want to lose what the previous year held. Whether that’s sin you want to forget, a gut wrenching loss, change you weren’t ready for, a hard season, money problems, or a diagnosis you weren’t expecting. There’s always something if you’re looking for it, because life is hard, and it’s messy. But, how can we lear...

The other day I made a mistake and I’m not ashamed to admit it. Because like Paul says in Romans 5:3-4, “And not only that, but we also boast in our afflictions, because we know that affliction produces endurance, endurance produces proven character, and proven character produces hope.” So, here I am using my sin for some serious character building. It’s not fun facing trials, ailments, or making mistakes, but I can tell you from experience, it’s one sure way to build Christlike character in a believer. And I know I’m going to sin, even when I try my hardest not to. So, why not use my sin to glorify God? I remember that day… I cried over my mistake and the hurt I had caused a friend, unintentionally. My husband comforted me and told me, “You don’t need to fix everything, babe. Sometimes you need to just chill and listen.” Chill and listen. As an enneagram type two, this is one of the hardest things to hear. What is my purpose without helping? What is my purpose without stepping in even...

After Mother’s Day passed, I reflected a lot on how far I’ve come this year. From being a mama to an almost 6 month old to now being a mama to an 18 month old... it’s amazing how much we’ve both changed in a year.   I remember the day we brought Aubs home from the hospital. She was already such a good baby (stick with me, I know you’re rolling your eyes, trust me, I am too). She slept, she ate, she cried so quietly. I thought to myself, “I’m nailing this” (insert Tiger Woods fist pump here). Fast forward about 24 hours... I looked at my sweet, dear husband and sincerely asked him, “what the absolute H-E-double hockey sticks did we get ourselves into?!” “Will she ever stop crying?” “What do we do?” “There’s no way she’s hungry again?” “Will we ever sleep again?!” “Why did God even give men nipples if they aren’t going to help with feeding this child?”  *Giggle* If only I knew then, what I know now. Motherhood, especially when you haven’t been around babies much, is a steep lear...

  I admire all you mamas that didn’t have Walmart pick up, precooked rotisserie chicken, rice in a bag (the kind that you heat up for 90 seconds!), and Netflix/Disney +. Is it just me, or are we all thinking, “how in the world did they survive without all these luxuries?!” Yes I said it. Luxuries. We have so many things our mamas and grandmama’s didn’t have and yet, we still struggle. I know parenting is hard. No matter what time era you do it in, but why is parenting so hard when we have so many ways to make life simpler? Are we just making it hard? Or is it really  that  hard. I know social media has taken a huge toll on our generation. In a time when we can connect with anyone, at any moment, are we taking the time to connect with those in our own home? Are we ever truly disconnected from the world?  I know I’m guilty of videoing or taking pictures of moments when they are happening. And I’m not saying that’s a bad thing to do. Those moments are so sweet to watch ...

  Have you ever thought back to fairytale stories of “happily ever after” and how they ended when the prince and princess got married? Don’t you find that a little odd? Why don’t they keep going? Show them pregnant, having babies, mopping floors, cooking dinner, working, doing laundry, etc? I have to imagine it’s because messy floors, blowout diapers, and exhausted, dark-circle-eyed parents aren’t very glamorous or inspiring for young children. But I digress... I realized the other day, while sitting at the dinner table, the only topic of conversation I was covering was about our child. My days are completely absorbed with a child clinging to me, that, I guess, when I get around another adult (even if it is just my husband), the only topic I feel qualified to talk about is toddler for $200, Alex (RIP - Jeopardy will never be the same).  During dinner, he was watching his phone, something about golf, nodding politely at me as I carried on, but I could sense he was over the “bab...

  I’m about to be really honest with y’all. I lost it the other day... I don’t even remember the sequence of events that led up to this moment,  but I do remember it was dark outside, it was the end of the day, the baby was crying, the dog was trying to eat the dinner I had thrown together, the cat was puking on the carpet, the husband was out of town, and I had used up all my patience and grace for the day.   Y’all.  🙈🙄 It just happened.... I let out a scream. Not necessarily loud, just enough to release the frustration that had built up inside me. An exhale that escaped from me releasing all the chaos I was in with no one to tap out to and say “I’m done. I need a break. I need to walk away for a minute.” The funny part of the story was Aubrey stopped crying, looked me right in the eyes, and mimicked the exact scream I let out and laughed.  It was as if she could feel my emotions and she reacted with, “oh, so this is what we do to handle this!”  😳 ...