Coming Undone

 Have you ever thought back to fairytale stories of “happily ever after” and how they ended when the prince and princess got married? Don’t you find that a little odd? Why don’t they keep going? Show them pregnant, having babies, mopping floors, cooking dinner, working, doing laundry, etc? I have to imagine it’s because messy floors, blowout diapers, and exhausted, dark-circle-eyed parents aren’t very glamorous or inspiring for young children. But I digress...

I realized the other day, while sitting at the dinner table, the only topic of conversation I was covering was about our child. My days are completely absorbed with a child clinging to me, that, I guess, when I get around another adult (even if it is just my husband), the only topic I feel qualified to talk about is toddler for $200, Alex (RIP - Jeopardy will never be the same). 

During dinner, he was watching his phone, something about golf, nodding politely at me as I carried on, but I could sense he was over the “baby-talk”. It was in that moment I realized how much I’ve changed in our marriage. And I know I can’t be the first parent to feel like your marriage is unraveling because of a baby.

My dream was always to be a mom. A Pinterest worthy mom - even before Pinterest was a thing (oh how far that is from the truth). I used to sit with my Barbies all laid out deciding which ones would be married, how many kids they would have, what their names would be. I would spend hours imagining! Then on other days I would tend to my baby dolls, feeding, changing, rocking them- “oh, what a dream it will be the day I become a mom,” my childhood self thought. And she wasn’t entirely wrong, but she was a little less educated on the true sacrifices of a mother.

Fast forward several years... I met the man of my dreams when I was 16, almost 17. He checked every box on my“dream man” list (tall, dark, handsome, funny... done!) . I couldn’t wait to marry him. Five years was entirely too long to wait, but looking back, maybe he wasn’t so sure he wanted to marry a crazy blonde girl with dreams to be a mom. But In 2011, he finally proposed and my dreams, to become a wife, came true. 

Seven years later, we had a baby girl. We both cried for about a week after she was born, gazing at her beauty. Not quite believing this precious gift was ours to hold on earth. How did we get so incredibly lucky? 

At this point, we had been together 12 years. We knew absolutely everything there was to know about one another (lies). We had been through some really tough situations together and managed to come out on the other side (true, but definitely not the end of our story). Our marriage was invincible (more lies). Unbreakable (lies. lies.). Nothing in the world could get between us. (Girl, just quit while your ahead.)

Or could something actually come between us?

Having a baby definitely shook us. It’s been the best and most challenging thing our marriage has endured. In my opinion, it’s one of the hardest transitions to navigate through in a marriage. As much as we love being parents, it has completely changed us. It’s changed our days, schedules, priorities, conversations -  it’s changed our lives... it’s changed us. 

So what exactly changed? When you marry your spouse, the visual is that three strands become one, right? You, your spouse, and God joined together as one braid. So basically, imagine someone deciding to pluck a string from your strand of the braid. Since it’s already braided, it’s not just going to come out easily. It’s going to pull, probably hurt a little, and may leave you feeling a little less like yourself. And then, imagine someone doing the same thing to your spouse. Now that you two are missing pieces, a little ornery from being unraveled, and not fitting together like you used to - how’s that marriage going now? 

Unraveling feels a lot like losing part of yourself. Parenthood is a lot like losing part of yourself. It takes the “it’s all about me, it’s all about you, it’s all about us” attitude, brings it to the surface for a white glove inspection - where, SURPRISE! It’s not about you anymore. 

It can shake the most solid marriage into feeling like it’s falling apart. But notice, I said “feeling” like it’s falling apart, because most of the time, you both just need a hot meal, a good night of sleep, and some quality time just the two of you. Most of the time, it isn’t truly falling apart, but falling together.

I’m not going to pretend like my relationship or marriage has ever been perfect. We are two imperfect people who call out to Jesus often about, “Are you absolutely, positively SURE he/she is my soulmate, for life, because she’s acting crazy, like stage 5 clinger crazy, and he left the toilet seat up for the 500th time and now my toddler is playing in it?” 

 

Not kidding, not even a little. 

But seriously, we are two people who have made the choice to love each other every day. When we fail, we offer grace (sometimes not right away, but usually in 7-10 business days). We pray a lot, because only Jesus knows our hearts and can soften them when they need to be. And we both keep showing up, even when we don’t want to. 

My main point and what I want you to hear is that unraveling is good. It’s necessary. Time and time again, God has unraveled people to show them, teach them, and/or change them.

Some examples you may ask? Sure! 

Job lost his family, health, and wealth. He lost it all! Talk about completely unraveling. But Job stood firm in his faith regardless of his circumstances and God restored him for it. 

Noah was asked to look like a crazy man and build a boat in a world where it had NEVER RAINED. Do you think he unraveled a few times during the process? Maybe. But I think the bigger challenge was knowing he was losing the world he knew, the people he had come to know, and start completely over with his family in a brand new land. That is major unraveling.

Joseph’s unraveling began when he was sold, by his own brothers, into slavery. Betrayed by his own family, sold to be a slave, unraveling at its finest! But God did this so He could preserve the line that would lead to Christ. Otherwise they probably would’ve starved because of the famine. God really does know best! 

Sarah unraveled slowly in her years of infertility, so much so, that she laughed when she was told she would conceive. But she did conceive, and gave birth to a healthy baby boy, just like God said.

These are only a handful of stories the Bible has to show us that unraveling has been happening for a very long time. 

And having a baby isn’t the only reason God could unravel you. You might lose a job, have to move, lose a loved one, fail out of school - look, I don’t know your story, but God does. And when He breaks you down, He’s hoping you’ll take a good look at the big picture. At who He is calling you to be and where He’s calling you to go. And spoiler, you are right where He planned you to be in this moment!

I think, for us, we had to unravel, because there can’t be room for something else unless you make room for it. But I also see us getting better at this whole “parents” thing. I see us working together more. I see us making light of things that feel heavy and making jokes when the day drags us down. Theres a certain sacred bond that is created that only the two of you can share. You’ll rejoice over food eaten, new milestones, sweet giggles, and all the memories made as a family. There is literally nothing sweeter than looking at the child God created just for the two of you. A child that God uses to unravel you. So you can learn, grow, and truly love like Him. 

Thank you Lord for trusting us with one of your own. Help us point her to you in all we do. And may we always look to you for guidance.💕

“Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one’s youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their opponents in court.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭127:3-5‬